Managing Fear: Taksim on Fire (June 11, 2013)

I had to pee three times in 20 minutes as I psyched myself up to go to Gezi Park.

Managing my fear.

Crowds surged toward Taksim and out of the metro.  Hawkers waited at the top of the metro escalators selling surgical masks, whistles, bandanas, hard hats.  All the necessary supplies.

Getting closer to the park, the tension heightened.  People cheered each other as if to give courage ahead of battle.  Defiant, angry, and united, people were marching resolutely toward Taksim.

At the edge of Gezi Park, it was a swarm of people.  Ahead, there was a tapestry of smoke hanging in front of the barricades.  White tear gas spiraling through the black smoke of burning barricades.  And fireworks?  Strange bursts of color blossoming against smoke.

Sound of chanting, clapping, bang of gas grenades.
Smell of burning.
Salty sea of people.
Taste of pepper.
Touch of clammy skin. Burning in sinuses, back of throat, chest.

In the park.  No longer the scene of jubilant, triumphant anarchy of a few days ago.  No more circles of dancing people lifting their hands together in the air and singing the old songs they all know.  Now, a string of worn out but determined people holding hands in a human chain.  Standing up, single-minded.  People sitting around, looking exhausted and scared.  Spurts of running people.  Flames behind silhouettes.  A rush of people carrying a wounded man on a stretcher.  Sirens and explosions of stun grenades.  The sudden burning of eyes and fumbling with goggles, covering mouths with scarves.  Rags wet with vinegar on our faces to soothe the pain of tear gas.  Elliptical beat of helicopter blades above.

Trying to manage fear, trying to manage fear.

Gas bomb after gas bomb, now aimed at Gezi Park.  People running from the direction of Taksim.  Can barely see through goggles, bright light reflecting off bodies, trying to stay with our friends.

Suddenly, applause erupted and people cheered when the wind changed.  Literally.  After a pummeling of gas bomb attacks, the wind shifted and started blowing hard in the opposite direction.  It felt like an intervention.  It felt spirit-like somehow.

They can’t get us for now.  For now.

But they could attack from the opposite side of the park.  I saw an old couple stumbling around together, grey hair like smoke against the trees.  I saw couples wearing hard helmets clinging to each other.  People coughing. Groups huddled on the ground.

But renewing their chants.  Looking around, I saw thousands of people willing to risk themselves.  Ordinary people living ordinary lives, out on a night that felt like the end of the world.  A night ablaze.

Eventually, we found ourselves in Talimhane, in the streets leading up to Taksim.  The apprehension was palpable.  People watched quietly while Taksim seemed to burn.  Now and then, police threw gas grenades down the street and there was a rush of people running.  In a panic run of people, I screamed to Matt, idiotically, "Falafel House!" since that was the only familiar place on the street.  Their doors were already closed.  People were yelling "Yavaş! Yavaş!"  "Slowly!  Slowly!"  To try to keep people from panicking.

Managing fear.

We discussed with our friends how to get home, and decided to try Tarlabaşı Boulevard.  We felt exposed, and it was clear that the police were pushing down the boulevard.  We heard explosions behind us and some people were rushing.  We could see nothing, so we just walked quickly.  Through a couple of back streets, I felt my heart rate slow down a little.

My heart boomed on again back on Cumhurriyet, where we parted ways with our friends.  We exhaustedly tramped to the metro amidst bursts of encouraging applause from our fellows on the street.  Masses of people were still sweeping toward Taksim.  Resolute.  We applauded each other.

Applause greeted us in the metro.  We clapped.  They clapped. Clapping at every stop along the metro.  Now instead of victorious applause, it was as if people were steeling themselves for battle.  Rallying each other's spirits. 

Managing fear, unyielding.